Saturday, December 31, 2011

Farewell 2011....

2011 was a year filled with many challenges
 I am definitely 100% to blame for that!
Looking back now I can honestly say that 2011 didn't have a chance before it even started...  I went into 2011 with SOMEONE ELSE'S INSECURITIES secured tightly in my head and in my heart... Ugh, if I could change that I would in a HEARTBEAT! 
That alone caused me to spend the first part of the year feeling invisible, unappreciated and completely uncomfortable around my friends and their husbands, it made me feel weird about being a single 30 year old, it also made me sorta go into hiding, and as much as it HURTS, and I HATE to admit it, it made me questions God, in a way that I NEVER thought I could/would, it also made me question the person that I have become, and it made me question my friends, and their loyalties, and my loyalties, and the reasons why I did/do things... 
It made me think long and hard about loyalty, and about what it means to be a friend..
2011 proved to me that it is true when they say, "our thoughts (mine helped by someone else,) eventually become our reality!"  another not so proud moment... 
many tears were shed, not my proudest moments either...  But, it is what it is...  right??  ;)
In the second part of the year I threw myself into a second job, and A LOT of baking...  My NEW LOVE...  I actually sold a few baked goods, and let me tell you, it was the Boost I needed...  :)  Both of these things left less time for negativity, and sadly less time for everyone else, BUT there was more time for/with myself and my thoughts, and thankfully it also led to the realization that, that other person's insecurities were NOT mine...  I had never been one to feel uncomfortable or even invisible around anyone...  I am who I am because that's were I should be...  :)  I've always done what I've wanted, I've always given 100% of myself to others....  I have always been my own person..  There was no need to start questioning that now...
With less time, I was also forced to "prioritize" the free time that I did have...  and that meant that making and spending time with those people that mean the world to me, the one's who really make my life happy!..
It didn't come easy, I couldn't explain my feelings to my friends if I tried, and I tried...  they tried to understand, but they couldn't...  Shoot, I couldn't, I'm not sure I can now....  haha!!   I think the best way to describe it, is by saying that it's not VERY easy to live in a society who thinks there is something wrong with  you if you're in your 30's, single and with no children.... and even though I had experienced it before, I had never experienced it at this level before, I was finally faced with judgements and questions from people and yes I say people, who thought they would voice their opinions about how "weird" they thought it was...  its hard to walk away from these coments especially when they're coming from people you see/saw fairly frequently, and in some instances almost daily...  ;)
And that brought about the third part of the year...  one filled with answers....  and the re-realization of what I already knew...  My friends love for who I am, still hang out with me, because they like "me," and most IMPORTANTLY they accept me for who I am! 
Friendship isn't about who has the biggest something or other, or who spends the most on someone else, or who hangs out the most with who, or who went were with who...  and it is definitely not based on having a husband or children....  How sad would it be if we could only be friends with people who were EXACTLY the same as us?? Friendship, relationships in general are based on trust, and loyalty, they don't revolve around gossip, they merely revolve around spending time and loving one another, they are based on understanding, and honesty, respect and appreciation of each other, and of being there when it's important...  Friendships are also about being a good ol' sounding board, thanks RB for being such a great one, I LOVE my work buddy!  ;)  All year long he listened to me talk things out, he watched me be sad, he heard me when I was "confused," he reasured me that being in my 30's and single wasn't weird!  ;)  he heard me complain, and ask why, he was honest in his opinions, when he was listeningm and he told me to SNAP OUT OF IT, when it had gone on too long...  FUNNY until today I thought he wasn't ever really listening, turns out he actually heard everything I told him all  year...  ;)  GREAT, now he's gonna hold me to my promise of a "positively fantastic new year..." 
And I think it's because of him that I realized that this person and all of the comentaries did a lot more damage to me than I was willing to accept...  Now it's not fair to completely blame that person for everything...  It was me who allowed these feelings to "grow,"  and it was me who allowed the thoughts to continue to linger for so long...  ;)  It was me who became weak and scared, and I was the one that allowed myself to start questioning EVERYTHING! It was me who let this eat at me ALL year, maybe a little longer...  I didn't know how to stop it, But I think I do now...  ;)  Thank God for NEW BEGINNINGS!
This year was also one filled with answered and unanswered prayers, and new hobbies, and hope for new beginnings... 
DON'T get me wrong though, The year was filled with LOTS of happy moments too, and uncertainties, but mostly HAPPY TIMES!  It was also filled with good friends, vacations, lots of picture taking, visits from family, lots of fun times with the kids, weddings, babies, parties, and fun family times!  :)
So as 2011 comes to a close I will count my blessings, and I will thank God for everything he has given me...  and I will make a promise to myself, to try and go back to being the Maria that had no insecurities, I know it wont be easy, heck I'm still scared, and "the things people say, or may say," are still in the back of my head...  but I'm going to give it my BEST try, I'm going to genuinly not care what others think...  I used to not before!! I will also make a promise to no longer feel uncomfortable being a single 30 year-old-ish with no children...  If those close to me don't care why should it matter what anyone else thinks?? I will also promise myself to try and not talk or think about this at all next year, and to not let it bother me if it does come up...  because really?  who am I kidding??  It will come up... 
I'm leaving ALL of the insecurities of 2011 behind me though...  and this is definitely the BIGGEST one I had!
THERE IS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING, I HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED THAT GOD HAD A PLAN FOR ME, AND I promise to go back to believing that wholeheartedly... 
It is what has gotten me along for 32 years, I hit a slight bump in the road in the 33rd and half of the 34th year, and lost my way for a while, BUT thankfully I think I have found my way again, and I do believe these bumps on the road are what makes us human!!  ;)  so with that I will bid farewell to 2011, and I will welcome 2012 with open arms, and with really BIG hopes for an AWESOME new year...  :)  Here's to hoping everyone has a good one too!!  :)

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