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Monday, March 21, 2011

Lonely!

Today I'm 33.....
....and I can honestly say that I have NEVER felt as lonely as I did today! :( 
It's weird I've been on the verge of tears all day today...  ok, maybe not that weird...  4 years ago today my friend Larry went to Heaven....  Last year on this day I thought "next year will be easier", but I think today was harder, I'm pretty sure today was the hardest and loneliest "March 21st" I've had in 4 years...  Maybe it's because I spent the day by myself....  Maybe it was because Ruben wasn't at work today, I could've used his humor today...  He was there when I got the call 4 years ago...  and he's been at work with me every "today" since....  Maybe it's because 10 years of memories played like a video in my head all day today, with nothing, not one smartass comment to stop them....  Or maybe it's because every year "today," reminds me that we don't know how long we have here...   I think "today" awakens one of my biggest fears, that of losing a loved one suddenly, with no warning, with no chance to say goodbye. We can NEVER prepare for the heartbreak of losing a loved one so suddenly, or maybe it's because this is the first time in 4 years that I didn't get to give the Jensen kid's a hug?  Or maybe it was because today I realized that if Larry was still here things would be different?  I hate change, I think everyone knows that...  Today more than any other day I miss my friendship with the Jensen's, Today I realized that sometimes change hurts...  and there's nothing we can do about that....  today more than ever I hurt....  I hurt for my lost friend and for my lost friendship, and for the kids, and for his mom, and for his wife, and for the rest of my friends who like me are hurting and remembering Larry today!
Usually I enjoy my own company...   NOT today, today I longed for more, I needed more...  i wished for a hug ALL day....  I wished I could pick up the phone and make a phone call....  BUT there are no phone's in Heaven...  and I'm not sure I'm ready to make the other call....  I know I didn't do anything wrong, but I'm still not ready...  I think that's the other part that really hurts...  and that's the part that made me feel really lonely today, I think....  YEP all day I wished for a hug, I thought about dropping by numerous places to get a hug today...  ;)  I mean hugs from kids ALWAYS make me feel better, I know Michael would of taken one for the team too....  :)  I contemplated a hug from a friend, my mom, my sister, my dad?  all sounded good...  BUT REALLY who wants a "could start crying at any time" Maria at their doorstep??  ;)  and those really weren't the "type" of hugs I "needed," not really the kind I was looking for....  I was looking for something more like a Larry hug....  for a "someone who was there, and felt the same loss" I did hug, for a hug from a someone who knew how I felt, I would of settled for a "guy I cared about" hug....  well that wasn't an option either...  yep....  For some reason I actually thought about that today too...  :/  grr....  why I have no idea?  Maybe it's the things people say?  the comments people make, or maybe it was just "today"??  Yep...  Today was a lonely day...  Now I know I'm not alone, I know there are lots of people I could of "visited" today or just plain called, but I couldn't....  I'm not sure I could of explained myself today...  sometimes I need to sort things out on my own...  I think today was one of those days...
 I have seriously and honest to GOD NEVER felt like this before.... and I didn't like it... I thought about going shopping, but that doesn't make me feel better...  haha!  ;)  I thought about going to the beach, but alas, it was raining...  figures....
So I came home....  hung out with my parents, talked to Gaby for a while, dodged ALL "how was your day questions," made some birthday cards, uploaded and shared pictures, designed some invitations...  worked on some party favors...  not sure for what yet, but I needed to keep busy...  ;) I thanked God for all of my blessings....  went thru my scrapbooks, remembered all the good times, had some good laughs, and even cried a little, (sounds like a song)  ;) then I thanked God for the people in my life, for all of the memories that I have been "gifted", and for the time he has allowed me to be here....  and then I decided to blog...  might as well right??  I think it made me feel a little better.....  Now I think it's time for bed...  it's time to put this "lonely" day behind me...  It was the first ever, and I sure hope it's the last!  Tomorrow is a new day...  :)  
March 21st wont come around again for a year...  all I can do is hope and pray that next year will be easier...  With that I will make a promise to myself to continue to make the most of the time I have..say the things I need to say...love like it matters, and with all my heart... and give fully of myself to others..  and this way I can live without regrets...  I learned 4 years ago that I am not guaranteed a "tomorrow"...  Larry I miss  you more than you know....  today I thanked God for every day, and for every memory that he allowed all of us to have with you....  :)  Please, please watch over us!!  :)

6 comments:

DeBran said...

:( I'm so sorry lady!! You need to call me!! It's always so hard to live through an anniversary of a loss :( Hugs xoxo

C@r!ie said...

I know it is far but you can always show up on my doorstep and I always have hugs for you. xoxo

Kati said...

sorry hon! not much we can do to make you feel better, i know, but you are an amazing friend and an amazing person who has so very many people that love you!! xoxoxo

B is for Boring said...

My heart aches for the loss of all the Jensen's... Larry in Heaven, Sheri and the kids are just gone... I feel you my sister... sometimes I can't help but crying as well...

Happy belated birthday Maria...

maria said...

THANKS guys.... :) and yeah I knew you'd understand Bryan! ;) sucks.. oh well it is what it is.... I don't think I'll ever understand why, next year will be better! I have a "feeling"! ;)

jessica said...

You know were always here! Lots of hugs and treats! ;) sorry you had such a sad day :( xoxo