Sunday, March 27, 2011

How do you say goodbye?

My grandma came to visit us, 5 months ago.  5 months ago, I knew today was coming.  For 5 months I tried REALLY hard not to think about today, YET I tried my BEST to make the days count... BUT I denied the fact that today was coming for 5 months, and still today came and went, and YES it was as hard as I thought it would be...
I just got home from the airport, and I'm pretty sure that I just said goodbye to my grandma for the last time...  Now I know she's still with us, she's still alive and just on a plane going home, BUT I'm pretty sure we all just said goodbye, I'm not sure if I'll see her again and that makes me extremelly sad...  It made me extremely sad ALL week.  This week was one of those that you wish would last FOREVER, yet you wish it would just come and go already, so you can go "through it" and go on!  So how do you say goodbye? 
It's hard, and all week all I could do was wonder, "did I do enough?"  she's leaving, she's older and she may never come back...  sad I know....  "did I spend enough time with her?"  "could I have spend more time with her?" and then there are the "God, I hope I did enough and told her enough that I loved her.."  My grandma is so proud of my siblings and I, all she's done for the last week is tell us how proud she is of us, and thanked us for everything we've done for her, for "taking care" of her. Man I sure hope she knows that we all feel absolutely the same....  and that we love her too.... 
Today we sent her off with 100 pounds of "stuff", anything and everything she may have needed, and random stuff that she wanted to take, stuff that reminded her of us...  things that you and I may of thought were trash, she took.... ;) She left us to go home today with 2 suitcases full necessities, things for my cousins, a box full of cards, letters, and scraps of paper that we may of written to her, and a book of pictures that told the story of "us and her" while she was here, a book of pictures/memories, maybe the last memories that she will have with us?  I don't know this time felt different?  I think she felt it too, we all felt it.  Now this picture book isn't new, for 20 years she's been coming to visit, and she takes her memorie book home, My mom has always been really good about sending her home with "pictures".  My grandma told me the other day that these "memory" books are what get her thru her sad times....  ugh, today my sister and I were running around taking the last of the pictures and developing the pictures so we could put them in the book...  We wanted her to remember everything, and I think it was a way for us to remember too! 
We spent the last 5 months celebrating with my grandma, she was here for the holidays, we made tamales, and celebrated her birthday like it may be the last...  she had a party with lots of friends, a cake of her choice and cupcakes that she wanted....  and her choice of food. She had lots and lots of fun, my parents took her to santa barbara for the weekend, and they went to san diego a few times... We really did try our hardest to make the last 5 months memorable for her, and even though I can honestly say that I have no regrets, it's still hard, I'm sad that today came, and I still wonder if there was more I could of done...  I hate goodbyes....
Today was hard, I worked and came home to hang out with my grandma for a few last precious hours, this time felt different, I think we all knew it, and we all felt it...  My brother came over, Michael and Gaby, were here too, my cousin called to tell her goodbye, we had a family style dinner at home and then I joined my parents on the trek to the airport....  My grandma called her friends on the way, thanked them for everything and said goodbye....  My mom drove to the airport and probably cried the whole way there, my dad didn't say a word, and I played words with friends the whole way there....  (thanks to those of you who played) ;)  I think we all knew this time was different
the airport was a different story, we checked her in, and people watched for a long time, and chit chatted, and made plans for her to come visit again, but I think we all knew this may be it.... my brother called once then he called again, he just wanted to say goodbye he said... my sister called too, I think we were all feeling it, this time was different....  then it was time for her to go...  and off she went....  we waited until the very last possible moment, and then we sent her off...  we said a quick goodbye, and told her we loved her, and that we would talk to her tomorrow...  and then she was gone....  My mom just stared for a long time....  and then she broke down...  and then I lost it...  and we just stood there...  staring, crying....  wanting so badly to go after her, to go and give her one last hug, to tell her everything was going to be ok, to tell her we LOVED her....  all this while hugging my mom as she cried, while watching her mom, my grandma, go off into the distance....  to possibly never return again.... then my mom told me, that she felt like she was never going to see her again, that she thought this was it...  I asked her if she really thought that and she said...  yes, I feel like this is it....  then my heart broke, for me, and my siblings, for my dad, BUT MOSTLY for my mom, that was her mom, how sad that she was saying goodbye, this may be the last time she ever saw her mom....  and that made me even sadder...  BUT we did our best, we tried our hardest to really make the last 5 months worthwhile...  and who know's maybe it wont be the last time...  Even though it sorta felt like it was....  we waited until midnight, then came home....  we all rode home in silence, consumed with our own memories, I'm sure we all cried too....  I looked on my phone for quotes, and ran across this one....  I liked it, and I think it reassured me a little...
Goodbye's are not forever,
Goodbye's are not the end,
They simply mean I'll miss you
Until we meet again ~ author Unknown
This has definitly been a VERY trying week for me....  BUT it's come to an end, tomorrow is a new day, and although my grandma will not be at my house, I know she will be at her home, and I know that I can call and talk to her, and I know she can call me, but it wont be the same as having her here, or seeing her in person, or seeing her in the kitchen in the morning....
Now it's time for me to go to bed, and tomorrow will be a new day, one which I will welcome as a new gift....  and with a phone call telling me that my grandma has arrived safely at "home" :)  And tomorrow I promise to start a new week, one full of positive feelings.....  :)
Until tomorrow Mami, hasta que nos miremos otra vez....  La quiero mucho!  :)

1 comment:

DeBran said...

:( I'm so sorry lady... hugs xoxo