Farewell 2011....

2011 was a year filled with many challenges

 I am definitely 100% to blame for that!

Looking back now I can honestly say that 2011 didn't have a chance before it even started...  I went into 2011 with SOMEONE ELSE'S INSECURITIES secured tightly in my head and in my heart... Ugh, if I could change that I would in a HEARTBEAT! 

That alone caused me to spend the first part of the year feeling invisible, unappreciated and completely uncomfortable around my friends and their husbands, it made me feel weird about being a single 30 year old, it also made me sorta go into hiding, and as much as it HURTS, and I HATE to admit it, it made me questions God, in a way that I NEVER thought I could/would, it also made me question the person that I have become, and it made me question my friends, and their loyalties, and my loyalties, and the reasons why I did/do things... 

It made me think long and hard about loyalty, and about what it means to be a friend..

2011 proved to me that it is true when they say, "our thoughts (mine helped by someone else,) eventually become our reality!"  another not so proud moment... 

many tears were shed, not my proudest moments either...  But, it is what it is...  right??  ;)

In the second part of the year I threw myself into a second job, and A LOT of baking...  My NEW LOVE...  I actually sold a few baked goods, and let me tell you, it was the Boost I needed...  :)  Both of these things left less time for negativity, and sadly less time for everyone else, BUT there was more time for/with myself and my thoughts, and thankfully it also led to the realization that, that other person's insecurities were NOT mine...  I had never been one to feel uncomfortable or even invisible around anyone...  I am who I am because that's were I should be...  :)  I've always done what I've wanted, I've always given 100% of myself to others....  I have always been my own person..  There was no need to start questioning that now...

With less time, I was also forced to "prioritize" the free time that I did have...  and that meant that making and spending time with those people that mean the world to me, the one's who really make my life happy!..

It didn't come easy, I couldn't explain my feelings to my friends if I tried, and I tried...  they tried to understand, but they couldn't...  Shoot, I couldn't, I'm not sure I can now....  haha!!   I think the best way to describe it, is by saying that it's not VERY easy to live in a society who thinks there is something wrong with  you if you're in your 30's, single and with no children.... and even though I had experienced it before, I had never experienced it at this level before, I was finally faced with judgements and questions from people and yes I say people, who thought they would voice their opinions about how "weird" they thought it was...  its hard to walk away from these coments especially when they're coming from people you see/saw fairly frequently, and in some instances almost daily...  ;)

And that brought about the third part of the year...  one filled with answers....  and the re-realization of what I already knew...  My friends love for who I am, still hang out with me, because they like "me," and most IMPORTANTLY they accept me for who I am! 
Friendship isn't about who has the biggest something or other, or who spends the most on someone else, or who hangs out the most with who, or who went were with who...  and it is definitely not based on having a husband or children....  How sad would it be if we could only be friends with people who were EXACTLY the same as us?? Friendship, relationships in general are based on trust, and loyalty, they don't revolve around gossip, they merely revolve around spending time and loving one another, they are based on understanding, and honesty, respect and appreciation of each other, and of being there when it's important...  Friendships are also about being a good ol' sounding board, thanks RB for being such a great one, I LOVE my work buddy!  ;)  All year long he listened to me talk things out, he watched me be sad, he heard me when I was "confused," he reasured me that being in my 30's and single wasn't weird!  ;)  he heard me complain, and ask why, he was honest in his opinions, when he was listeningm and he told me to SNAP OUT OF IT, when it had gone on too long...  FUNNY until today I thought he wasn't ever really listening, turns out he actually heard everything I told him all  year...  ;)  GREAT, now he's gonna hold me to my promise of a "positively fantastic new year..." 

And I think it's because of him that I realized that this person and all of the comentaries did a lot more damage to me than I was willing to accept...  Now it's not fair to completely blame that person for everything...  It was me who allowed these feelings to "grow,"  and it was me who allowed the thoughts to continue to linger for so long...  ;)  It was me who became weak and scared, and I was the one that allowed myself to start questioning EVERYTHING! It was me who let this eat at me ALL year, maybe a little longer...  I didn't know how to stop it, But I think I do now...  ;)  Thank God for NEW BEGINNINGS!
This year was also one filled with answered and unanswered prayers, and new hobbies, and hope for new beginnings... 

DON'T get me wrong though, The year was filled with LOTS of happy moments too, and uncertainties, but mostly HAPPY TIMES!  It was also filled with good friends, vacations, lots of picture taking, visits from family, lots of fun times with the kids, weddings, babies, parties, and fun family times!  :)

So as 2011 comes to a close I will count my blessings, and I will thank God for everything he has given me...  and I will make a promise to myself, to try and go back to being the Maria that had no insecurities, I know it wont be easy, heck I'm still scared, and "the things people say, or may say," are still in the back of my head...  but I'm going to give it my BEST try, I'm going to genuinly not care what others think...  I used to not before!! I will also make a promise to no longer feel uncomfortable being a single 30 year-old-ish with no children...  If those close to me don't care why should it matter what anyone else thinks?? I will also promise myself to try and not talk or think about this at all next year, and to not let it bother me if it does come up...  because really?  who am I kidding??  It will come up... 
I'm leaving ALL of the insecurities of 2011 behind me though...  and this is definitely the BIGGEST one I had!

THERE IS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING, I HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED THAT GOD HAD A PLAN FOR ME, AND I promise to go back to believing that wholeheartedly... 

It is what has gotten me along for 32 years, I hit a slight bump in the road in the 33rd and half of the 34th year, and lost my way for a while, BUT thankfully I think I have found my way again, and I do believe these bumps on the road are what makes us human!!  ;)  so with that I will bid farewell to 2011, and I will welcome 2012 with open arms, and with really BIG hopes for an AWESOME new year...  :)  Here's to hoping everyone has a good one too!!  :)

XOXO!!!

A BLESSING in Disguise.......

......An ANSWERED Prayer, and a possible answer to the MILLION dollar question!  ;)

Have you ever had a moment in which EVERYTHING suddently fit into place? and sorta made sense?  For a year and a half I have been trying to find the "answer," not for me, or for the people close to me, but for the rest of the population, the rest of the people who find it necessary to ask hard questions, the one's who have tried to "figure me out" for whatever reason!  The one's who ask me if I'm happy, the one's who wonder how it is that I really could be??  The one's who may think I'm headed for the wrong path, only because it's different than the path they're on!

My friend DeBran planned a lovely evening with Aunt Ruthie from sugarpiefarmhouse.  This lady was seriously a God send to me....  we had the most amazing conversation, we talked into WAAAYYY into the night...  she gave us wonderful advice, (which of course has to be taken and applied to each of us differently, The girls were asking parenting and marriage advice, neither applied to me, BUT her advice pretty much made sense in any situation.)  So I listened and applied what she said to MY life....  The most important thing I remember she said was, that we needed to "live in the moment."  so true, and something that I have ALWAYS strived to do...  Enjoy today, because I am not guaranteed tomorrow!

The part that REALLY, REALLY got me though was towards the end, when she said she had brought us a little something....  It was a beautiful hanmade set of clothespins with words on them....  VERY IMPORTANT WORDS TO LIVE BY, SHE SAID!  and with that she explained what it meant.... 

Be FAITHFUL to our LORD ALWAYS, Be THANKFUL, ALWAYS, and for everything, no matter how small, because as soon as we stop being thankful we lose our JOY, and when we lose our JOY, we start to become angry and bitter, and that keeps us from being "joyful," and we need "joyfullness" to have a happy home and lead a happy life!"  Aunt Ruthie, sure is wise! ;)

So there right befoe my eyes was the answer to the million dollar question, I feel like I can now answer people when they ask me if I truly am happy....

ABSOLUTELY!  I am completely FAITHFUL to the fact that God has a plan for me, I'm not sure what the plan is, and who am I really to question him?  In the Bible he tells us to trust him, and that he will show us the path....  so trust is what I do, we all have a purpose, and I think I'm living mine! ;)

Do I question the fact that I am different than everyone around me, that I'm moving along a different path??  ABSOLUTELY, but not enough for it to matter...  I would LOVE to one day have a family, but it may not be in the cards...  who knows...  and truthfully I'm ok with that....  I have come to terms with the fact that my "purpose" may be different!  I became the happiest, when I did that years ago....

I am THANKFUL everyday for the gifts that come my way...  I was given a GREAT family, TERRIFIC friends, and the most WONDERFUL little people friends that I could of ever asked for.... They truly are my JOY!

There are NO words to explain the JOY I feel when I see the excitement in Ella and Luke when they see me, Mr. Owen and Miss Layla's smile's melt my heart...  and then there is Mr. Brody and Mr. Jakey Boy, and how EVERYTIME I walk in their house they run up to me and each take a leg to hug....  and Miss Kaelyn the other day was so excited to see me...  I LOVED it...  I can always use one more fan!  ;) Then there are the girls Vides and Lucciana, I'm making a turnaround trip to see them this weekend, and they're beyond excited....  and then they will be on their way down for the summer, just to hang out and spend quality time with ME!  My summer has almost all already been planned....  I see D-land dates with my "mini me" ;)  and LOTS and LOTS of pool days!  ;)  How could I deny the JOY's that come to me in my everyday life, and question the fact that MY joy's are different that everyone else's??    That would be silly, wouldn't it?  and I can't leave out the friends, our talks, errand running and just plain hanging out!  ;) impromptu dinners, last minute pedi's and beach gettaways, girl talk into the night, really?  I consider myself lucky, and I give thanks everyday...  I am lucky that such GREAT things surround me! 

Someone mentioned once that I was always happy...  why is that?  You're single, wouldn't you LOVE to be married?  to have kids?  you'd be happier if you did?  Of course I would, BUT it's not what I'm supposed to "have" right now!  I NEVER have an answer for these statements, and I'm not ALWAYS happy.... but I sure do try...  after an evening with Aunt Ruthie though, I realized that I am happy because I have learned to trust in God, I decided a long time ago that I would let him lead me, I would let him show me the way, and show the way he has...  so far it's been wonderful, granted I'm sure I'm missing out on something GREAT, what with marriage and children and stuff...  BUT I seriously feel like I have the best of both worlds right now...  I basically get to do whatever I want, when I want, and still get my fill with the kids...  ;)  someday maybe if it's in the cards it will be my turn!  ;) 

Thank you Aunt Ruthie for helping me see the light, for putting the "words/answers" to my million dollar question on the table for me....  :)  and most importantly THANK YOU to those friends who let me have my "fill" of everyday JOY!!!  ;)  and with that I will STOP searching for the right answer, and continue to live in the moment....  ;)  Because this moment is all I may have!  :)